Leighton Meester in Louis Vuitton
Oh, honey, no. This dress isnt doing you any favors at all. It's too long; it bells out awkwardly at the bottom, negating any curves you got from the fitted hip area; and it's also just kind of confusing. The shininess and peak-a-boo slits look too similar and those buttons lack any and all purpuse, including decorative. And dear god, your hair! Never wear it like that again, with anything, ever. It's just not for you.
Freida Pinto in Chanel
Wow, this dress has way too much going on: it's shiny, high-necked, with grecian-style cap-sleeves, a faux necktie, unnecessary center seam, and the slightest fishtail hem. None of which is working at all. It looks uncomfortable and cheap. And it's CHANEL! This boggles the mind. Sorry, Freida.
Jessica Alba in Ralph Lauren
Okay, so she's pregnant again. But that's no excuse to wear holiday wrapping paper on the red carpet. Seriously, if that's taffeta, I'm going to puke all over. Call Kate Hudson — she did pregnant right at this event, and I think she's further along!
Janelle Monae in Chanel
ENOUGH WITH THE TUXEDOS ALREADY. I get that that's your thing, but you released your breakout album a year ago and the world is ready to see you in something beyond this costume. You're a hot broad with a smokin' body! Try out a dress or a skirt or something! And for god's sake, embrace color!
Christina Hendricks in Carolina Herrera
Oh my god. This might be the worst of the night. She looks AWFUL. Like a murder victim wrapped in butcher paper. Her hair is flat, her makeup is heavy. I'm so SAD for her! How does someone who looks so amazing on Mad Men look so hideous on the red carpet? She should seriously consider hiring Janie Bryant, the show's costume director, as a personal wardrobe consultant. Like, pronto.
Kristin Stewart in Proenza Schouler
You're going to the Met Gala and this is what you wear? I find it hard to believe Miss Twilight didn't have eighty billion other designs to choose from. Is she required to dress vampy until the series is over? I don't like this at all, for any occasionally, truth be told. It looks stiff and thick and boring.
Lea Michele in Escada
This would've gotten a pass were it not WAY TOO LONG. How did she not realize this the moment she put it on? If the dress doesn't fit, don't wear it! Totally ruins the whole look.
Andre Leon Talley in CRAZY
And for the grand finale of ugly outfits, we have Andre Leon Talley wearing yet another oversized blanket with sleeves like it's graduation day at a college for giants. There's Lady-Gaga-crazy, which is avant garde and tailored and weird as hell, and then Andre-Leon-Talley-crazy, which is senseless, bland and weird as hell. Why would you want to look like that? There are plenty of lovely outfit options for larger men like Mr. Talley, and you'd think as the editor-at-large for US Vogue, he'd have better taste, but whatever.