It's been about a year since I last shared some of the bizarre press releases that've found their way to my inbox, but I certainly haven't stopped receiving them, so it's time once again to present the craziest of the crazy.
The best emails I get are about new fashion products hitting the market. These are typically one-off inventions by a bored housewife or overly ambitious business major. Their product names often include the words "diva," "funky," "fashionista" or pluralize words with the letter Z (think "girlz"). This type of nomenclature automatically marks the product as LAME in my mind. But I'm bitchy like that.
Without further ado, here's a bunch of stuff you're never going to buy:
Braza Instant Lace Camisole Appearance, $5.99
Have you ever worn a low-cut top and thought, "Gee, I could really use a lace camisole peeking out from under this shirt?" Hopefully not (or at least not since 2001), but if for some reason you have, here's the perfect solution: a camisole necklace.
I have no idea how you're going to convince the world that this is actually a full-blown camisole, and I'm not sure why you wouldn't just put on an actual camisole, but hey! Sometimes stuff just needs to be invented.
Grab Guard handbag lock, $19.99
I don't know about you, but I'm surrounded by thieves everywhere I go. Sometimes a girl just needs to lock her handbag to the cart in Whole Foods. $20 will buy that security. Unless, of course, the thief is also looking to steal a shopping cart, in which case, you're screwed.
Belt Loopy, $11.99
With what might be the most creative product name yet, Belt Loopy is here to save you from those humiliating moments in which your belt flops against your waist, all willy nilly, like a jerk. Why bother solving this problem by buying a belt that fits correctly when you can spend $12 on four-inch pieces of bendable leather?
Towel Topper, $22
Scientists have been working on this one for years. You see, most rational human being spend hours each day wrapped in a towel, so it only makes sense that we'd need ruffled velcro bands to prevent our towels from flapping open. Which would be HORRIBLE! Can you imagine?
These Towel Toppers are strategically designed to sit right across your breasts for maximum comfort. And best of all, they look like garter belts, so it's like you're marrying your towel!
Finally! We're one step closer to implanting cell phones in our bodies! Don't you just hate holding your iPhone? Who needs hands when you have a stretchy bedazzled bracelet?
This is as close to being a member of the cast of Star Trek as you're ever going to get.
Necklace Necessities secure strips, $5.99
Whenever my necklace clasp moves to the front of my outfit, I get so frustrated! How do I fix this problem? What do I do??? Usually I wait until I can find a safe environment in which to call my mother and ask for her advice. But now with Necklace Necessities' secure strips, I never have to worry again! They've invented something called "tape" that sticks to the back of your neck, holding your necklace in place. It's pretty complicated, but someday, with practice, I may never experience the humiliation of an errant necklace clasp again.
There are no words.
Winkee cleavage covers, $17
Tone down the sexy, ladies! Your ta-tas are heaving out of control! Winkees to the rescue! Similar to the aforementioned lace camisole necklace, Winkess solve the problem of possessing distracting cleavage with an oddly-shaped strip of fabric that attaches to your bra. Because, you know, it'd make way too much sense to wear a sports bra or an actual undershirt. Waaaaay too much sense.
Booty Shapers, $12.95
I'm pretty sure I know people who'd actually buy these. They're inflatable inserts that keep your boots upright and prevent wrinkles when you're not wearing them. But before you break out the credit card, let's think for two seconds about some of the many free alternatives to these eco-evil plastic tubes. Like, say, a piece of rolled up cardboard. Or a thin magazine. Or an old shirt. Or pretty much anything that will fit inside the shaft of a boot.
Cast Coverz, $16.99
This one is more sad than funny because it's clearly meant for people with no friends. Or artistic talent. Or nostalgia. Hello! The one redeeming factor in having a cast has always been getting your friends to sign it! Don't spend $17 to destroy that! I will personally come to your house and draw a Looney Tunes character on your arm if you don't buy this product.
Also, note the Z on the end of Cast Coverz, indicating product hipness.
Fumi Bracelet Purse Hook, $29.95
Okay, this one also isn't that horrible. It's a bracelet that turns into a hook so you can hang your purse on the end of a table. Creative idea, but can you imagine if you actually whipped this out in public? Each and every one of my friends would punch me in the face if I stuck this on the end of a table. This bracelet hook is clearly meant for 60-year-old ladies who love the Home Shopping Network and add a Z to the end of product names. But one for your sassy aunt Fran.
Cool James sweat-wicking sleepwear, $49
How gross are you that you need sweat-wicking pajamas? Throw off the comforter, turn on the fan or get an air conditioner for $49! Come on, people.
Luxury Condoms, $24
This one isn't fashion-related, but a PR rep emailed me about it, so it's fair game.
Are your genitals getting the luxury they deserve? If not, you need Luxury Condoms by the Original Condom Company. Protect yourself from babies and diseases with the most high-end condoms on the market, made exclusively for fine, fancy folk. Packaged in bulky black boxes similar in shape to an engagement ring box, she'll say yes before she even realizes what you're asking!